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If Looking For Ghosts has learned one thing from the whole ZOZO debacle it’s that the internet is awash with stupidity. For the most part, paranormal websites and forums tend to be frequented by people who are only a whisper away from being sectioned. These people, convinced they’ve seen a ghost, simply cannot wait to publish their scarcely believable accounts on the internet, often in near incomprehensible prose and with an enthusiasm which borders on manic.
It’s easy to sneer at other people’s efforts, but what a lot of people don’t realise is that it’s also a lot of fun too. So for your own amusement we have decided to link to our favourite worst stories here. Click on the story title to be transported to a land where logic, rational thought and basic grammar do not apply. Reader beware; the unquantifiable, half-baked theories and reactionary opinions within these accounts may cause you to have an aneurysm.
A visitor from France: This guy is being haunted by what we can only assume is some kind of electrical appliance. Observe how he describes, in unrelenting detail, the alterations in octave and pitch of the noise he heard with all the charisma of a record producer tirelessly describing the complexities of how he mixed Coldplay’s album. Comically boring.
Oh my, what the ….???!!!!??!: Never has a title so succinctly summed up the reader’s reaction. If you can work out what is happening here, then we’ll send you one of our famous Looking For Ghosts goody bags, consisting of a marmite sandwich and a Travelcard (zones 1-3 only). Frankly, we don’t have a clue.
A Visitor From England: This one is strangely brilliant. Be warned, there are no full stops so you’ll need to take a deep breath before attempting to read it. At first this story seems to consist of someone seeing a cat (not very scary), until the end when it takes a sinister, and frankly implausible, turn. Enjoy her pensive conclusion, as well.
There is a Ghost in my Room: Some nice butt-touching in this one. Perhaps the ghost of a serial pervert? Also, note how she clarifies that posters can’t talk. Thanks for that.
My Two Homes in England: As well as having an excellent opening line, this story features something far scarier than any ghost: Enya. A lot of the incidents in this story seem to draw from memories the author had when they were under the age of three, so perhaps take it with a large pinch (or an industrial-sized shovel) of salt.
The Shuffling Slippers: This story is unique in that it’s actually written by somebody with a faint grasp of the English language. In fact he obviously fancies himself as a bit of a wordsmith. This turns out to be his downfall, as he tries to be too clever and ends up looking a berk: “I frowned puzzledly ” is one such example. Still the best title of a ghost story we’ve ever seen.
Bedsit: Featuring glamorous Guildford, this story is actually strangely chilling. Two girls move in together (saucy) and soon all manner of paranormal hell breaks loose. Sort of. To be fair the clues where there when they first viewed the place, what with all the crucifixes lying around and such.
But don’t let our sneering pomposity stop you from posting your own ghost stories on this blog. We could always do with a laugh.
In addition to walking around London in search of ghouls, the Looking For Ghosts team also spend an unhealthy amount of time trawling cyberspace in order to sustain our thirst for paranormal phenomena.
Most of what we find is forgettable; normally well-intentioned but highly improbable. However, every so often we come across something that is so stupefying that it defies logic.
One such example is the brilliantly irresponsible ZOZO The Ouija Spirit, which claims that an evil entity called ZOZO seemingly has nothing better to do than appear in Ouija boards across the world (although mainly America, naturally) scaring the bejesus out of impressionable simpletons. All highly plausible, you’ll agree.
Its Creator is Darren Evans, a self-appointed “Zozologist”. Zozology is, presumably, something you study at the University of Make Believe, alongside other credible courses such as Fairy Psychology and Goblin Hunting.
Whilst we don’t set out to dismiss something we have no desire to understand, or to discredit other paranormal enthusiasts, this guy really is a lunatic of epic proportions.
Tedious and Baffling
The exact details of Darren’s story are too tedious and baffling to bore you with here, so you’ll have to visit the blog yourself (via the link above) to read his paranoid ramblings in full.
Please don’t read all of it; it’s so long and convoluted that you’ll probably emerge three days later, blinking wearily and scratching your head, confused and angry at a world which you simply no longer understand.
The jist of it is that ZOZO has been following Darren around for several years as he’s continued to use Ouija boards, wreaking havoc upon not just his life but that of his friends and family. The idea of simply not using Ouija boards had, apparently, not occurred to him until recently despite the fact that his sole purpose for setting up this blog is to warn other people to stay well away from them. This point we do agree on; Ouija boards are a bad idea, mainly because they are boring and a waste of everyone’s time.
Alarmingly, other Ouija users (or “Morons” to give them their correct name) have written in their droves to report that they too have experienced a malevolent spirit bearing the same name. Such is the level of idiocy on display, if you’re not rooting for ZOZO within 30 seconds of clicking on the link then you’ve already shown a level of tolerance far greater than this blog deserves.
If nothing else, it is worth a look just for the bit where it is (hilariously) eluded that J-Lo is somehow involved as his twisted conspiracy spirals further and further away from reality.
Mr Evans has announced that he is planning on writing a book about his dealings with the demon, although one suspects that a far better use of paper would be to stuff it into his own mouth to prevent any more of this utter fiction spreading much further.