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With all due respect, you should all be deeply ashamed of yourselves. With the varied readership Looking For Ghosts attracts, surely some of you have had a ghostly experience? But still our Your Stories section sits emptier than a Ramones reunion gig. It’s embarrassing. Make something up if necessary; we don’t care.
Still, if the mountain won’t come to Muhammad then Muhammad must go to the mountain. In order to counteract this massive disappointment we have once again been sifting through the internet’s oozing pile of waste for the best, or worst, reader-submitted ghost stories. All for your morbid amusement. We’re too good to you, we really are.
The Entity Kept Kissing Me: If you read no other ghost stories this year, we implore you to read this one. It really does beggar belief. There is simply nothing else we can write here that will be funnier than the story itself. Enjoy (although not as much as the guy in the story, please…)
Shadow Wears A Hat: This story starts with a startling claim of “Sixth Sense” proportions although, as the author is keen to point out a number of times, he really isn’t too bothered about it. Until he sees a shadow. Wearing a hat. And then vomits.
A Toast To Grandma: This family cannot seem to come up with a logical explanation for why a wine glass might shatter of its own accord. Probably best to assume a dead old lady did it. That’s what most people would do.
The Glowing Skeleton: Pretty dull, this one. Only included because we were intrigued as to what a “calm” scream would sound like.
My Strange Experience: These girls have a pretty casual approach to conducting a Ouija Board and manage to piss off an entity called Jacob. They couldn’t even “be bothered” to cleanse the house properly afterwards, demonstrating alarming nonchalance in the face of paranormal mayhem.
My Poor Cats: This woman lives in a trailer-park and her cats started going berserk. Even smearing her home with herbs didn’t help. Who would have thought?
Need Advice On Dealing With Ghosts: The title of this story suggested it was an advert for people who need help coping with problematic spirits, but sadly it isn’t. This is a girl who needs YOUR help. She’s been hearing “jingling” from an early age, and sometimes feels cold. Sounds awful, being that sensitive to the elements. Oh, and she predicts things in dreams to a 90% level of accuracy. She’s only 14, so probably making it up for attention. Teenagers are like that. The best advice we can give her is to stop lying.
In addition to walking around London in search of ghouls, the Looking For Ghosts team also spend an unhealthy amount of time trawling cyberspace in order to sustain our thirst for paranormal phenomena.
Most of what we find is forgettable; normally well-intentioned but highly improbable. However, every so often we come across something that is so stupefying that it defies logic.
One such example is the brilliantly irresponsible ZOZO The Ouija Spirit, which claims that an evil entity called ZOZO seemingly has nothing better to do than appear in Ouija boards across the world (although mainly America, naturally) scaring the bejesus out of impressionable simpletons. All highly plausible, you’ll agree.
Its Creator is Darren Evans, a self-appointed “Zozologist”. Zozology is, presumably, something you study at the University of Make Believe, alongside other credible courses such as Fairy Psychology and Goblin Hunting.
Whilst we don’t set out to dismiss something we have no desire to understand, or to discredit other paranormal enthusiasts, this guy really is a lunatic of epic proportions.
Tedious and Baffling
The exact details of Darren’s story are too tedious and baffling to bore you with here, so you’ll have to visit the blog yourself (via the link above) to read his paranoid ramblings in full.
Please don’t read all of it; it’s so long and convoluted that you’ll probably emerge three days later, blinking wearily and scratching your head, confused and angry at a world which you simply no longer understand.
The jist of it is that ZOZO has been following Darren around for several years as he’s continued to use Ouija boards, wreaking havoc upon not just his life but that of his friends and family. The idea of simply not using Ouija boards had, apparently, not occurred to him until recently despite the fact that his sole purpose for setting up this blog is to warn other people to stay well away from them. This point we do agree on; Ouija boards are a bad idea, mainly because they are boring and a waste of everyone’s time.
Alarmingly, other Ouija users (or “Morons” to give them their correct name) have written in their droves to report that they too have experienced a malevolent spirit bearing the same name. Such is the level of idiocy on display, if you’re not rooting for ZOZO within 30 seconds of clicking on the link then you’ve already shown a level of tolerance far greater than this blog deserves.
If nothing else, it is worth a look just for the bit where it is (hilariously) eluded that J-Lo is somehow involved as his twisted conspiracy spirals further and further away from reality.
Mr Evans has announced that he is planning on writing a book about his dealings with the demon, although one suspects that a far better use of paper would be to stuff it into his own mouth to prevent any more of this utter fiction spreading much further.